XVII

THE LAST RAY

Our meeting with the Mother proceeded in this manner, T and K together, and myself alone, reading our respective matters on alternate days. She had no further comments to make on my Talks. Probably at the end of March 1973, she fell ill and all our meetings stopped. When she had recovered, some interviews were gradually resumed. I think it was at this time I had my last darshan. As usual, I was waiting outside for my turn though I was almost certain that I would not be called since she had just come out of her illness. Still I had to go and wait, for none could predict the Mother's ways. And this was precisely what happened. I was called in. She was lying stretched on her couch with just a thin cover on her body. She looked very emaciated. Her face was pale and she seemed to be breathing with difficulty. When I approached her with faltering steps, she cast a glance at me, and as I bowed down within the reach other hand, she blessed me. Then I took leave of her - for good in this earthly existence. Soon all interviews were stopped except Andre's who kept up his usual visit at night. I realised only after her withdrawal that she had given me her last blessings.

Page - 163

XVIII

ECLIPSE

Now followed a long period of distress to her body to which the regular attendants alone were witnesses. I would meet Champaklal only at night, and he could give no detailed news either, but there was always in his speech an uncertain tone ending with "Only He can help", or something to that effect. At times he used to be called urgently by Pranab at night while he was taking food or resting and he would rush up.

Dr. Bisht was called at one stage. An electro-cardiogram was taken; other tests also were done, and all the reports were depressing. Still, we hoped, as we had done in Sri Aurobindo's case. Champaklal kept up his unvarying doubtful tone.

I used to go upstairs every evening and pass some time in quiet concentration at my accustomed place on the terrace. The months rolled on and the August Darshaa was at hand. Speculations were rife as to whether there would be any Darshan at all. But the Mother did appear at the Balcony and we were deeply stricken by what we saw. Instead of elation, a profound sorrow and anguish seized our hearts. It was a sheer act of grace on her part to give us her darshan, which proved to be the last. The condition began to deteriorate from that day. On Andre's birthday soon after the Darshan it seems she made no response. The attendants kept a vigil round the clock. Night after night Pranab and Champaklal were alternately by her side. From below one could hear Pranab's voice telling the Mother something or other.

Page - 164

Arrived 17th November, the fatal day. It was my birthday, too. There was no question of having her darshan, but we could not imagine that things were so serious. Everything went on as usual, even the weekly cinema-show that evening. In the afternoon friends came to wish me 'Bonne Fête' and I was busy entertaining them, but my mind was not there. As soon as I could make myself free, I went up. I was sitting outside; Kumud opened the door of the Mother's room and asked me if I could find Pranab and call him. It was about 7 p.m. He had gone out for a short while. He came running. The doctor was also sent for before his usual time. Dyuman who never went up at that hour was also there. So Was Andre. Near about 8 p.m. he came out to go home. His face was grave and calm and bore no indication of disaster. But what about Dyuman or the doctor? What made them stay on and why had Pranab been urgently called back, - these were the questions disturbing my mind. The situation must be critical, I felt. Gautam, a young sadhak who had served the Mother personally, had come from his home to spend the night with us. I was moving to and fro pricking my ears for every little sound, went to bed for a while in Sri Aurobindo's room as usual and got up at a sudden noise. It was about midnight. I rushed out and saw that Nolini was coming down from the Mother's room followed by Pranab. Nolini's face was a mask, but Pranab uttered the fatal words in his grave voice, "Mother has left her body." The shock was too great to bear and the loss too deep to be told.

It was decided that the news should not go abroad at the moment. The body was to be brought down first and kept in the Meditation Hall.

Page - 165

Pranab carried her in his arms and brought her down to the landing from where some of us helped him carry her to the Meditation Hall. There the Mother's second couch had been kept ready and the body was placed upon it. It was about 3 a.m. Then the people were informed of the unbelievable painful truth.

The rest of the story is too well-known to be repeated.

Page - 166

XIX

OUR DEBT AND HOMAGE

Thus more than forty long years of my contact came to a sudden end just when that contact was blossoming into a closer union "through a long dim preparation". As I have shown in my account, there had always been unhappy but seemingly unnecessary interruptions since 1950, severing the physical tie and throwing me for a time on reliance upon the inner support. But my personal loss counted for nothing before the tremendous void felt by the entire Ashram. The Mother had made us forget Sri Aurobindo's most painful absence by her all-encompassing divine love and solicitude. But who is there to console us now? Who shall guide and protect us? We have to seek for that consolation within our hearts.

As Nolini says,

"The Mother's physical body was our protection; we did not suffer the full consequences of our Karma because her body acted as a buffer.... Her body bore our burden and relieved us of the misery otherwise due to Us. Mankind, the world even, does not know the saving Grace that her material frame brought to them.

"Since we have no longer the support of her body on which we depended most exclusively, we are compelled to seek the true support, the support of her consciousness, the inner reality-her inner presence, her living Person within....

"It is there, living and glorious in its beauty and power and is still at work within us and around us in the world

Page - 167

incessantly towards the final consummation of its material embodiment.

"What is expected of us is to see this golden Mother within us and try to become as she always wanted, her golden children, within and without."

Thus, though she has left her physical body, we have Still her golden body. Not that alone, even materially she has seen to it that we do not suffer from indigence in her absence. Our material prosperity has not been affected by her physical withdrawal. God has fully paid his debt to man. Her bounty is flowing abundantly.

"Affiliated to cosmic Space and Time

And paying here God's debt to earth and man

A greater sonship was his divine right."

*

It is now our part of the bargain that we have to fulfil. We can "requite the debt we owe to her Grace, we can show our love to her by admitting her Presence into our physical being and allowing her to do the work she has undertaken to do."

"A mutual debt binds man to the Supreme:

His nature we must put on as he put ours;

We are sons of God and must be even as he:

His human portion, we must grow divine. Our life is a paradox with God for key."

*

Page - 168

What is this work mentioned above? Work for humanity? Or any other high ideal — social or religious? The Mother herself said in her "Reminiscences", "I came to India to meet Sri Aurobindo. I remained in India to live with Sri Aurobindo. When he left his body I continued to live here in order to do his work which is, by serving the Truth and enlightening mankind, to hasten the rule of the Divine's Love upon earth." And it was at the express command of Sri Aurobindo when he left his body that she remained behind and carried on for more than twenty years this work unflinchingly, a fractional glimpse of which has been given in this book. Sri Aurobindo himself has in a letter summarised the Mother's role in his yoga and work. Here are extracts from that letter sent by him to Arindam Basu on 17th August, 1941, dictated to me. Sri Aurobindo saw and approved of the written version. It runs thus:

"The Mother is not a disciple of Sri Aurobindo. She has had the same realisation and experience as myself.

"The Mother's sadhana started when she was very young. When she was twelve or thirteen, every evening many teachers came to her and taught her various spiritual disciplines. Among them was a dark Asiatic figure. When we first met, she immediately recognised me as the dark Asiatic figure whom she used to see a long time ago. That she should come here and work with me for a common goal was, as it were, a divine dispensation.

"The Mother was an adept in the Buddhist yoga and the yoga of the Gita even before she came to India. Her yoga was moving towards a grand synthesis. After this, it was natural that she should come here. She has helped and is helping to give a concrete form to my yoga. This would not

Page - 169

have been possible without her co-operation.

"One of the two great steps in this yoga is to take refuge in the Mother."

In answer to Arindam Basu's inquiry, apropos of this observation of Sri Aurobindo's, as to what was the other great step, Sri Aurobindo said, "Aspiration of the sadhak for the divine life." Sri Aurobindo's voice appeared to stress the phrase "divine life".

The work goes on, whether we allow her or not. The Mother said in one context, "... I may be there or not, but these children of mine will be there to carry out my work." Her Birth Centenary is a great landmark towards the consummation of her divinely appointed mission.

Page - 170

XX

THE MOTHER'S TALK OF APRIL 2, 1972

For centuries and centuries humanity has waited for this time. It is come. But it is difficult.

I don't simply tell you we are here upon earth to rest and enjoy ourselves, now is not the time for that. We are here... to prepare the way for the new creation.

The body has some difficulty, so I can't be active, alas. It is not because I am old, I am not old. I am not old, I am younger than most of you. If I am here inactive, it is because the body has given itself definitely to prepare the transformation. But the consciousness is clear and we are here to work - rest and enjoyment will come afterwards. Let us do our work here.

So I have called you to tell you that. Take what you can, do what you can, my help will be with you. All sincere effort will be helped to the maximum.

It is the hour to be heroic.

Heroism is not what it is said to be: it is to become wholly unified - and the Divine help will always be with those who have resolved to be heroic in full sincerity. There!

You are here at this moment, that is to say upon earth,. because you chose it at one time - you do not remember it any more, but I know it - that is why you are here. Well, you must rise to the height of the task. You must strive, you must conquer all weaknesses and limitations; above all you must tell your ego: "Your hour is gone." We want a race that has no ego, that has in place of the ego the Divine

Page - 171

Consciousness. It is that which we want: the Divine Consciousness which will allow the race to develop itself and the supramental being to take birth.

If you believe that I am here because I am bound - it is not true. I am not bound, I am here because my body has been given for the first attempt at transformation. Sri Aurobindo told me so. Well, I am doing it. I do not wish anyone to do it for me because... because it is not very pleasant, but I do it willingly because of the results; everybody will be able to benefit from it. I ask only one thing: do not listen to the ego.

If there is in your hearts a sincere Yes, you will satisfy me completely. I do not need words, I need the sincere adhesion of your hearts. That's all.

Page - 172

XXI

I AM WITH YOU...

I am with you because I am you or you are I.

I am with you, that signifies a world of things because I am with you on all levels, in all planes, from the supreme consciousness down to the most physical. Here, at Pondicherry, you cannot breathe without breathing my consciousness. It saturates the atmosphere almost materially, in the subtle physical and extends to the Lake, 10 kilometres from here. Farther, my consciousness can be felt in the material vital, then on the mental plane and other higher planes, everywhere. When I came here for the first time, I felt the atmosphere of Sri Aurobindo, felt materially, at a distance of ten miles, ten nautical miles, not kilometres. It was very sudden, very concrete an atmosphere pure, luminous, light, light that lifts you up.

It is now long since Sri Aurobindo had this reminder put up everywhere in the Ashram that you all know: "Always behave as if the Mother was looking at you; because she is, indeed, always present." This is not a mere phrase, not simply words, it is a fact. I am with you in a very concrete manner and they who have a subtle vision can see me.

In a general way my Force is there constantly at work, constantly shifting the psychological elements of your being to put them in new relations, defining to yourself the different facets of your nature so that you may see what should be changed, developed, rejected.

But that apart, there is a special personal tie between

Page - 173

you and me, between all who have turned to Sri Aurobindo's and my teaching, - it is well understood, distance does not count here, you may be in France, you may be at the other end of the world or at Pondicherry, the tie is always true and living. And each time there comes a call, each time there is a need for me to know so that I may send out a force, an inspiration, protection or any other thing, a sort of message comes to me all of a sudden and I do the needful. These communications reach me evidently at any moment, and you must have seen me more than once stop suddenly in the middle of a sentence or work; it is because something comes to me, a communication and I concentrate.

With those whom I have accepted as disciples, to whom I have said "yes", there is more than a tie, there is an emanation of me. This emanation warns me whenever it is necessary and tells me what is happening. Indeed I receive intimations constantly, but all are not recorded in my active memory, I would be flooded; the physical consciousness acts like a filter. Things are recorded in a subtle plane, they are there in a latent state, something like a piece of music that is recorded without being played. When I need to know with my physical consciousness, I make the contact with the subtle physical plane and the disc begins to turn. Then I see how things are, their development in time, the actual result.

And if for some reason or other, you write to me asking for my help and I answer "I am with you", it means that the communication with you becomes active, you come in my active consciousness for a time, for the time necessary.

And this tie between you and me is never cut. There are

Page - 174

people who have long ago left the Ashram, in a state of revolt, and yet I keep myself informed of them, I attend to them. You are never abandoned.

In fact I hold myself responsible for everyone, even for those whom I have met only for one second in my life.

Now remember one thing. Sri Aurobindo and myself are one and the same consciousness, one and the same person. Only, when this force or this presence, which is the same, passes through your individual consciousness, it puts on a form, an appearance which differs according to your temperament, your aspiration, your need, the particular turn of your being. Your individual consciousness is like a filter, a pointer, if I may say so, it makes a choice, fixes one possibility out of the infinity of divine possibilities. In reality, the Divine gives to each individual exactly what he expects of Him. If you believe that the Divine is far and cruel, He will be far and cruel, because it will be necessary for your ultimate good that you feel the wrath of God; He will be Kali for the worshippers of Kali, and Beatitude for the Bhakta. And He will be the All- Knowledge of the seekers of Knowledge, the transcendent Impersonal of the illusionists; He will be atheist with the atheist and the love of the lover. He will be brotherly and close, a friend always faithful, always ready to succour those who feel Him as the inner guide in each movement, at every moment. And if you believe that He can wipe away everything, He will wipe away all your faults, all your errors tirelessly, and at every moment you can feel His infinite Grace. The Divine is indeed what you expect of Him in your deepest aspiration.

And when you enter into this consciousness where you

Page - 175

see all things in a single look, the infinite multitude of relations between the Divine and men, you see how wonderful all that is, in all details. You can look at the history of mankind and see how much the Divine has evolved according to what men have understood, desired, hoped, dreamed and how He was materialistic with the materialist and how He grows every day and becomes nearer, more luminous according as human consciousness widens itself. Everyone is free to choose. The perfection of this endless variety of relations of man with God through- out the history of the world is an ineffable marvel. And all that together is only one second of the total manifestation of the Divine.

The Divine is with you according to your aspiration. Naturally that does not mean that He bends to the caprices of your outer nature, — I speak here of the truth of your being. And yet, sometimes He does fashion Himself according to your outer aspirations, and if, like the devotees, you live alternately in separation and union, ecstasy and despair, the Divine also will separate from you and unite with you, according as you believe. The attitude is thus very important, even the outer attitude. People do not know how important is faith, how faith is miracle, creator of miracles. If you expect every moment to be lifted up and pulled towards the Divine, He will come to lift you and He will be there, quite close, closer, ever closer.

The Mother

(Bulletin, February 1958)

Page - 176